I was a kid when the first Alien movie debuted and the commercials scared me half to death. That old trailer still makes my heart race and I have to turn on every light in the house. Like right now. My home is now a glowing beacon of light. And I'm sitting here debating my chances of making it through Prometheus without having nightmares until Christmas.
They get right to it in the trailer with all manner of alien badness, just waiting to kill you and all your stupid companions who have stumbled into the deepest darkest of unknown lairs as though nothing could possibly be looking to eat you from dinner.
I got to thinking after watching the trailer and decided that they could have avoided a whole lot of trouble if they'd just thought things through a bit more before jumping into their spaceship. We all know that there are certain things that doom a crew, so how come these guys are oblivious? To that end, I've made a little list of tips to keep in mind should you ever find yourself on a mission to another planet. Pay attention.
1) Don't Go First
This is an easy one and every person on board the Prometheus is guilty of breaking this rule. That's why they're all going to die. Never, ever, ever be first. Don't be the first scientist to discover how to put us in cryosleep or they'll send you on the ship. Don't be the first guy to learn how to fly a spaceship or you'll end up captain. Don't be the first soldier to volunteer to escort the brainiacs down to the planet or you'll be the first to die. Stay behind. Preferably in the safety of your house back on Earth.
2) Don't Be Curious
You know that slimy looking egg thing that looks like it holds the secrets to our beginnings? Don't touch it. Or that door that looks like it's been sealed shut for millions of years? Don't open it. There are some things we are all better off not knowing and if you let your curiosity get the better of you, then something is going to eat your face.
3) Trust No One
I go this one from the X-Files. Who says you don't learn anything watching television? Don't trust the people who sent you on this mission. They lied about everything. They lied about why you're there, what you're looking for, and your chances of getting back to Earth. If you were fool enough to be first and take this mission, at least be skeptical of everything your superiors tell you.
4) Wear Pants
This seems like such an obvious thing, but Sigourney Weaver spent enough time running from aliens in just her underwear that I think it bears repeating. You need to wear pants. They protect you from potentially infectious scrapes by alien claws and make it way easier navigate your severely damaged ship. Don't take any chances. Wear pants even while you're sleeping. Always. Wear. Pants.
|Jayne with "Vera"|
5) Carry A Big Gun
You know that brave soldier who is willing to escort you down to the planet? Look at his gun. Look at your gun. If your gun is smaller, you have a problem. Now, you're not guaranteed to survive because of the big gun, but you're chances are much improved. Even better, find a gun that the soldier thinks is overkill and use that one. You want to be armed like Jayne from Firefly.
See, now wasn't that easy? If we can all keep these things in mind when we inevitably find ourselves selected for a space mission, then we're all much more likely to keep our faces and stomachs in one piece. What would you guys would add to the list?