Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Face-Eating Man On Drugs, Or Zombie Patient Zero?
I love zombies. They scare me to death and give me nightmares, but The Walking Dead is still one of my favorite shows and I can't wait for the next season. I could watch reruns but it's never quite the same because you know exactly when each person is going to die and you know exactly how much blood will be involved. That takes away all the fun. Yes, fun, because they're scary and creepy and gross but we know it will never happen. Or do we?
Over the weekend there was a story about a naked guy in Florida who attacked a man and started eating his face. This was an actual real news story. A guy ate someone's face. The police eventually shot and killed the attacker to get him so stop. I am not making this up.
It's a horrifying thing to imagine and the poor man that was attacked is in bad shape. I hope the guy is okay, but what I really hope is that he isn't going to turn into a zombie. Of course, authorities are saying they think it was likely the result of a drug overdose, which seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation. But I think the more obvious answer is that the police just shot patient zero in the zombie apocalypse.
Zombies are the stuff of fiction so no one is going to say the guy was a zombie. Instead, they'll play it off as drugs and you won't know what happened until the paperboy tries to collect his $3.50 and eat your face. Don't panic. You should already have a team in place and an action plan, but if not you could just watch a little The Walking Dead and do pretty much the opposite of every character except Daryl. That will serve you well.
I'm sure we'll see all the stories detailing exactly what drugs caused the zombie man to attack, but I know the truth. That guy in Florida is patient zero. Somewhere, in a super high-security government lab, they're trying to figure out what really happened and a careless tech is going to accidentally prick his finger with a contaminated needle. He'll wander out into the masses and then it'll be on. The zombie apocalypse is coming!