Monday, November 9, 2009

V and How to Survive the Invasion

I have watched about a gazillion hours of science fiction.  Classic and new.  TV and movies.  The good, the bad, and the cheesy (Can I get a hell yeah for Mystery Science Theater 3000).  I watch it because I would love to fly in a spaceship and plan on being prepared if the opportunity ever presents itself.  But I will be cautious when that first ship arrives.  See, I've learned some really useful tidbits watching all this sci-fi.  I'm not talking about stuff you can learn from a textbook or from some ace instructor.  No, I'm talking about the stuff that keeps you from being blown to bits, eaten by lizard people, or shot out an airlock.

This occurred to me while watching the pilot for "V"  last night.  Gigantic spaceships descend toward Earth, rattling windows and knocking down poorly secured bookshelves.  Everyone rushes to their windows, or into the streets or up onto rooftops for a better view.  In the midst of this frenzy, two random guys on the street are interviewed by a reporter and they comment that it's just like the movie Independence Day.  Ya think?  Then what the %#^$% are you doing standing under the spaceship?

Rule #1  Do not stand directly beneath an alien spaceship.  If an alien spaceship appears in the sky, run away, or at least get out of the street.  Otherwise, The Deadly Laser Beam of Death will blast you to smithereens or you will be chosen as one of their first abductees and ground into chow.  Which leads us to the next rule.

Rule #2  If possible, ask the aliens for a copy of their bestselling cookbook.  If they say no, then it's time to revisit Rule #1 and get the heck out of Dodge.  They aren't hiding their cookbooks because they don't want to share their favorite recipe for Chicken Soup.  They're hiding them because their favorite recipe is actually Human Soup.  Do not be fooled by their happy, smiling faces, which leads us to.... 

Rule #3  The sexier the alien, the greater the chance that she will kill you and eat you for dinner or possibly feed you to her children.  Aliens are smart.  They've sent scouts down here to figure us out in advance of their invasion.  They know that if they're sexy, then we will be less likely to shoot them.  When the Visitor leader appears (Morena Baccarin from my beloved Firefly) everyone looks up and thinks...ohhh, pretty...not...shoooot!  They should be thinking shoot.

Simply by following these first three Rules of Alien Engagement your chances of surviving will increase by the very scientific estimate of a whole frakkin' lot.  The two guys that said it was just like Independence Day at the beginning of "V" also complained that the movie was a "ripoff off any number of alien invasion movies".  Yup, and in those movies, the aliens are out to roast you, or enslave you, or generally pillage Earth. Those two guys should know better.  If, like them, you were unaware of these rules, now you know.  You can thank me when the Visitors arrive and you aren't served for dinner.

11 comments:

  1. hell yeah! for MST3K ^_^

    What happens if the aliens have also seen all our movies and know what we'll expect, therefore thwarting our expectations but eating us anyway?

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  2. Ah, but they most certainly have seen our movies and watched us make the same mistakes over and over. They will therefore do exactly what is in those movies expecting us to make those mistakes yet again! Get it? Kinda like that whole scene in The Princess Bride with the poison drink...I know, that you know, that I know, that you know...and the Man in Black wins. (That's be us. The aliens would be the poor Vizzini.)

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  3. I do a similar thing with Zombies. Damn Max Brooks. Now I can't go into a building without assessing the exit points and choke points, considering potential supplies, weapons, and, of course, Zombie entry points.

    n.b. Stay away from the French windows, guys.

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  4. Ah, gotta love a good Zombie movie! Do you also make sure you always sit with your back to a wall so they can't sneak up behind you? This is especially important if you are one of their first attempted victims and you have not yet had the chance to arm yourself with things like broken chair legs and carving knives.

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  5. Rule #4: When holding your 'Alien Resistance' meeting be sure you have secured all doors, windows and air vents so that tiny alien probes about the size of a Jedi training device cannot observer your activities and then detonate killing half of your group.

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  6. Here's one... If you get a chance to kill the bloodthirsty alien that is hunting you then make sure you kill it GOOD. After you club it over the head and kick its weapon to the side, but BEFORE you limp off into the sunset, pause, turn around, take up that weapon... and cave the suckers skull in until all thats left is a pool of warm goo. Otherwise I guarantee that you'll see that thing again, most likely just after you get that damn car started (the one with the touchy ignition). This rule also applies to monsters and human serial killer types.

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  7. A most excellent suggestion, Dann. And may I add, that once the head is a pile of warm goo, be sure to in some way destoy the goo. Burn it with your last remaining match, perhaps? Otherwise, there is the potential that the goo somehow reanimates itself...right as you're starting the car with the touchy ignition.

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  8. Good point... and suggests probably the most important rule of all.. Dont ever let alien goo touch your skin... (eg. dont shake up a bottle of alien goo and open the lid)

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  9. Hahah, brilliant! I just surfed over from listening to the podcast segment. Had a similar take on the pilot, cautiously keeping up some high hopes for the show, though.

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  10. My hopes are higher for the show than for the "stupid humans" in the show! They isn't smart like us are.

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  11. Hell yeah!

    Locky and I love that show!

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